January 7, 2005

How to talk to your child about pornography

By Sheila Sanchez
Staff Writer

Campbell Union School District officials have given the following ideas to help parents, guardians and caretakers assist children affected by the news that a longtime teacher at Castlemont Elementary School was arrested mid December when police allegedly found child pornography in his third-grade classroom and on his home computers.

Castlemont Elementary School teacher Christopher Casey, 44, surrendered to San Jose police Dec. 15 after detectives searched his classroom, where several students had reported seeing inappropriate images on his district-owned computer the day before.

The suggestions were compiled by Campbell Union School District spokeswoman Marla Olszewski, Castlemont principal Barbara Jones and many counselors, including Linda Williams, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works for the district.

District officials also offered parents, teachers and caretakers a simple definition to the word pornography to give to children who may ask about its meaning or who may want to know more about it.

They said while defining pornography can be complicated, especially when trying to keep it at a child’s level, the following is the best answer for students. “Pornography is a picture or movie of a person with all or most of their clothes off. It can also be a picture of a person’s private body parts. It usually makes you feel uncomfortable inside if you see it.”

Williams said, “your kids will pick their cues from you. If you’re anxious, concerned and worried and have that attitude, your kids will pick that up as well.”

Williams recommended being honest with children telling them that while there are a lot of unanswered questions, they’re welcomed to share their thoughts about the incident. “Some had said they’re afraid to go home and talk to their parents about this. Make sure that your kids feel that no matter what they’re going to say to you it’s a safe environment,” Williams added.

Other suggestions were the following:

Be a Role Model. Children look to adults for cues about how to handle confusing or upsetting situations. If you remain calm and focused, so will they.

If you need to collect your thoughts, tell the child you need to think about it for a few minutes and that you’ll come back to talk about it.

Don’t be afraid to answer with “I don’t know,” if that’s the honest answer, but let children know that you’ll try to find out.

Make it safe to talk. Encourage children to talk about anything they hear or see that makes them feel uncomfortable and listen to them.

Let your children know that you want to be the one to answer their questions so you can communicate your family’s values.

Let them lead by asking them questions, such as “What do you think about it?” or “How does that make you feel? (Angry/worried/ scared/proud/happy/sad.)”

Keep it on Their Level.

Tailor your discussion to meet the children’s concerns but answer their questions honestly and clearly.
Make sure your answers fit with the children’s developmental level. Don’t give more information than they are ready to hear.

Relate the issue to everyday experiences that they have. For example: “What are the school’s rules about teasing/using the computer/how to behave in the classroom?”

Trust yourself. Encourage children to listen to trust that ‘little voice” in their heads if something doesn’t seem right. They were there and know how the situation seemed to them.

Talk about boundaries. For example, talk about the differences between information that is secret, private, and a surprise.

Say a name. Ask children to name at least two older people at home and two at school to whom they feel they can talk about upsetting things. “If I’m not here, who else could you talk to?” and “If your teacher can’t talk, who else could you talk to?”

Check back later. Be sure to check in frequently with your children to see how they are processing this experience. Don’t wait for them to come to you. If you’re willing to talk about it, your children may be more comfortable joining in.