December 6, 2005

Breast Cancer survivor finds living through treatments,
depression led to a new lease on life

Editor’s note: Three years ago Bridgit Jordan wrote a series of articles chronicling her struggle with breast cancer for the Campbell Times. In response to reader’s e-mails and phone calls we are checking in to see how her life is going today.

By Bridgit Jordan
Special to the Times

Hello to all my dear friends, family, community and caregivers. I last wrote about my experience with breast cancer in the November 2002 issue of the Campbell Times. Since then many things have changed in my life and although it hasn’t been easy, I’ve discovered that the experience has actually enhanced my life in many ways. Here’s my story.

Soon after my clean bill of health in January of 2003, my motto became: “cancer free in 2003.”

However despite this positive news I became extremely depressed.

I experienced what they call in the psychology world “post traumatic stress disorder.” This seemed so odd to me to experience this dark time after the completion of all of my treatments. It is not to say that during my year of chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy that there were not times when I felt depressed. But, this was different. I constantly felt worried, anxious and sad. All of these feelings and emotions enveloped me, and I couldn’t sleep or eat well or focus on life.

Bridgit Jordan (left) with her mother, Katie Johnson.

During the cancer treatments I was so busy fighting the disease, praying, hoping and focusing on my recovery that I did not have the time to be truly sad, to wallow in my own misery or to really take in what was happening to me.

What I realized was that for one year my life was consumed with doctor appointments, treatments, and hospital stays, and then suddenly it was over, finished, done. I wondered, “what do I do now?”

As I began to look back over the previous year of treatments, fear swept over me like a heavy, dark blanket that I could not shake off. I needed relief and I needed help to control all the feelings that began to surface all at once.

I attended a depression class and was put on the antidepressant Prozac. Finally I began to feel better, I could function. I learned to live again and found a new way of thinking.

I decided that I needed a new way of living to incorporate my old self with my new self. After having gone through such a catastrophic illness I was not the same person as I was before my diagnosis. The new me had come face to face with my own immortality. The old me lived in constant fear and terror that the cancer might come back.

Although I believed that if the cancer did return I would be able to handle it again, I nevertheless was in a constant state of panic.

And, I had a new challenge in my life. Shortly after my “all clear” from my doctor we moved from the only home that I had ever known in Los Gatos to San Diego to be closer to my family. It had been difficult being away from them during my treatments although they often traveled to see me. My husband and I moved so that in case my cancer did come back there would be family around to help my husband take care of our three daughters.

It was quite an adjustment finding my way around a new city, which obviously did not help with my anxiety.

However, after time and long hours spent journaling and praying I slowly came out of my depression and began to live again.

I still see an oncologist on a regular basis. It started as a regular check-up every three months and has now gone to every 4 months. At the time of my appointments we sort of all hold our breath for the news.

Just showing up now in my oldest daughter is some anger about the whole experience. It came about when the sudden death of a friend’s mother triggered pent-up emotions. Her friend’s mom was only 39 years old and has three girls the exact ages as my three daughters. Our families were friendly and she and I worked together running the snack bar for the girl’s basketball team.

When we went to the funeral, my daughter broke down crying. I asked her if she was okay, and she said to me, “mom that is us standing up there, that would have been us burying you. What is wrong with God that he could take a mom away from her kids and why did you have to get so sick?”

We’ve had many conversations since that day in which I’ve told her that God has a plan for all of us and we don’t know what that might be. People have things to learn and everyone has a cross to bear in life; God does not give us what we want all the time—he gives us what we need and experiences we need to learn from. I believe the greatest lessons in life come from adversity and hard times, and God truly knows best.

So in regard to my health I would say this has been our biggest challenge. Thankfully my faith remains strong and I believe with my whole heart that I would not have survived my cancer experience without it, but it is hard to explain such a frightening experience to a 17-year-old girl, just trying to find her own way in life. We attend church regularly and I try to lead by example, and to be there for my children in any way I can.

Experience leads to writing career
God does answer prayers if you are open to them and listening.

I had always wanted to work at a local newspaper. One morning I found the local community newspaper the “Californian” on my doorstep. I did not subscribe to the paper, which was a subscription only paper, however there it was. I began to look through it when a want ad caught my attention. That night at 9 p.m. I was busily ironing my white blouse for the interview I had scheduled for the next day. I went in for the interview and was hired on the spot. Serendipitously the writing that I did on my battle with breast cancer for the “Campbell Times” three years ago was instrumental in my getting my dream job.

Today I am an editor’s assistant for the “Californian” and have my own column twice a month called the “Community Corner.” I write articles about what is going on in the community and what might interest people. I love my job. I believe it was given to me by God. I would have never had the confidence to even seek out such a job. God knows what is best for me. This job allowed me to focus on something besides thinking about my illness all the time.

I will be honest in saying it was very hard to leave all that I knew in the Bay Area and it is really the little things that I miss the most. The weather, knowing where I am going around town, and of course I miss all of my friends and all that I was familiar with. It all happened so fast, the move, the sale of our house, everything, but now I believe it was meant to be.

Today I am living a full life. What I have learned and what I definitely know is that material things, wanting more all the time, not being grateful for what we have does not bring one contentment or peace.

What brings joy to life is family, friends, good health…and a hug from my daughters, or my husband. I know that I can trust myself to be strong no matter what comes my way, and God will get me through it.

I used to read or hear people say that the worst thing in their lives taught them the most valuable lessons in life. My most valuable lessons were learned in the span of three years, and with God’s help and my perseverance, I hope I have many more lessons to learn.

Now I can look back on these past few years and realize that I would not be the person I am today without having had cancer. It truly was a gift.